A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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