Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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