Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
