it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
