he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
