Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
