I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
