Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
