im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
