is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
