home. puking in laundry basket.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
