Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize