We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
