Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
All I want is dick and wine.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize