like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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