I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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