I'm really into asian looking animals
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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