i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
