Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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