my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
