Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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