toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
