This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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