So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
