Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
