if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize