so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
