So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
