There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
