Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
