SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
