Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
