I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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