she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
