do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
