there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
