he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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