I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
