I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
