as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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