I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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