I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
