Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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