she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
