grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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