Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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