you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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