I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
50% drunk capacity currently
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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