No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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