who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
