I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
