Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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