i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Barsexuality is the new black.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
