last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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