i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
