I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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