some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
