My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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