Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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