This is not my ceiling
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I think i got beer on your cat.
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