I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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