my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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