I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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