in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
