sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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