i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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