she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
