i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The ass gains better be worth it
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