life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
