she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
